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Trump Oil: Forget the Phone or Crypto—This Is What the Donald Should Really Be Selling

Trump Oil: Forget the Phone or Crypto—This Is What the Donald Should Really Be Selling

By Creatix
Posted June 19, 2025

Forget “Trump Coin.” Forget the rumored “Trump Phone.” Those are small potatoes. If Donald Trump wants to print money, and unleash the next cultural juggernaut all in one shot, he needs to go full Snake Oil Salesman and sell a health supplement.

That’s right. Not an app, not an airline, not a new hotel in Gaza. What Trump really needs is his own bottle of branded longevity juice: 

Trump Oil™ – The Secret to Staying YUGE.

🧪 The Formula: Pure Patriot DNA in a Bottle

Trump is 79, barely sleeps, eats cheeseburgers like vitamins, drinks diet Coke like his followers drink Bud Light, and still has more stage energy than most 35-year-olds. Whether it's genetics, spite, or a pact with the devil, our Orange King has it all. Plus a solid marriage. 

Now imagine this:

“I’m not only the best president in history, but also the healthiest. Tremendous stamina. Doctors are amazed. Melania can't believe it. It hurts to admit how hard life can be and how well I'm doing day and night. So we bottled it. It's here. An affordable luxury that you cannot miss: Trump Oil—better than the COVID vaccine, cheaper than a Manhattan club membership, and 100% American, made in America by Americans for all Americans, and I suspect others who will pay tariffs to buy it. Trump Oil. Everyone is talking about it. It's the secret of my success. It can be yours for just $199 a month.”

What’s in Trump Oil? Doesn’t matter. Slap the flag it, Trump's fighting fist image on it, and sell baby sell. Make it a MAGA pyramid scheme like Herbal Life or similar network marketing. The oil is just the beginning. From there, we'll move to an infinite consumer line of anything produced in America, and labeled under the Trump brand name. 79 and still going strong. Who doesn't want to be like Trump. 

Facts are optional, but the margins will be real.

💰 The Market: Boomers, Bodybuilders, and Believers

Let’s be honest. Half the country already believes Trump has secret powers—divine, genetic, or alien. The other half knows he has them. Why not monetize on this 100% populace of believers and knowers. 

This isn't about Left vs Right. It’s about homo sapien life. The market niches are unlimited and untapped:

  • Men who want to outlive their ex-wives.

  • Men who want to stay able for a third wife.

  • Women who want to stay sharp like Melania.

  • Libertarians who don't trust Pfizer but will trust Trump’s gut biome.

  • QAnon-types who think GNC is a joint venture between China and the deep state.

  • Gym bros who put America first and testicle size last. 

Health supplements are a $40+ billion market in the U.S. alone. Add Trump’s brand power and sprinkle in a few conspiracy memes? That’s a billion-dollar product line before the FDA finishes its coffee rubber stamping the liquid gold.

🧠 What Would the FDA Actually Do About Trump Oil?

Absolutely nothing. And that’s perfect. Trump Oil is:

  • FDA unapproved

  • Scientifically questionable

  • Plausibly natural

  • Emotionally satisfying

It’s Goya beans meets Alex Jones protein powder. Take it daily with steak, or don't. The results are invisible, and the loyalty is real. If you believe it, you can make it.

🛑 Why It Will Work (And Why It’s Terrifying)

This isn’t just satire. It's reality. We live in a country where liver pills, fake testosterone boosters, and miracle mushroom coffee rake in millions weekly. The only missing ingredient is someone shameless enough to own the grift, weaponize the myth, and sell it like salvation. 

Trump Oil would sell and be profitable unlike Trump's media ventures. Fox News would host live testimonials. Alex Jones would sue for copyright infringement. CVS might carry it. Amazon will deliver it. Facebook will AI market it to your grandparents. Late-night shows would mock it—and accidentally advertise it.

The rest of us? We'd just watch and realize, once again, that America is the world's entertainment empire holding humanity together. 

Conclusion: Make Supplements Great Again

Trump’s next move shouldn’t be digital. It should be visceral. Personal. Tactile. A bottle of hope, marketed as strength, delivered as snake oil. Some people hate King Trump, some of us adore him. We all agree that the man is in impressive god-like health for a white primate at 79.

Trump Oil.

Coming soon to a rally near you.

www.creatix.one

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